Inside My Mind

SO FACKIN BORED!!!

2006-09-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am so stinkin bored. it has been dead here at work, and now its gonna be even worse because i decided that im gonna go get my tattoos tonight. im getting a moon and stars (its called an akito-its a family thing among the lakota) and i am getting a lizard on my left foot for good luck. im excited. i hate it when days just creep by like turtles. its no fun.

Much Better Today

2006-09-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

9/8/06
I am feeling much better today. The Haldol wasnt an issue with jesse, thank god. all he wants is for me to be happy. plus, my paycheck was rather good so i can pay my bills and also get the tattoos i want. i swear those things are addictive!
At any rate, the haldol and increased dosage of the seroquel worked great-didnt have any problems last night. it was nice to sleep that hard-nothing can wake me up when im that sedated. i feel a lot calmer today, but then that might have something to do with the meds and better sleep and good paycheck.
my mind isnt darting around anymore either. granted, im a bit numb, but i like it that way-theres less for me to think about, worry about, and not get near as upset if something goes wrong. Im going to subway to treat myself today. woohoo!

I Wish I were Numb

2006-09-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

I really wish that i were numb. I was a little manic today when i went to see the doc and then i just crashed. Im upset that i have to take haldol. i never wanted to be on that again after what hyland did to me with it. i know logiacally that it will help, but it makes me very sad that i have to take anything at all, and now i feel crazy because i have to take two anti-psychotics. granted, i dont have to take the haldol all the time, jsut when the seroquel doesnt serve its purpose fully. it can fluctuate apparently. all i want is to talk to jesse about it but this seems to be the one day that he is actually going to be home late. i hate feeling so alone i just want to cry, but i am at work right now so i cant just curl up in a ball and forget the world for a while. i just want a hug, and love. i want to feel loved and needed. i feel lonely. i just want this damn workday to end so i can fucking go home. dammit. i hate this facking disease i guess that being normal and healthy was just too m,uch to ask. oh yeah and also apparently i am gaining weight at an alarming rate. im nine pounds up from two weeks ago. the doc has put me on a set diet and excersise plan so i can get back down to one thirty eventually. dammit! DAMMIT!! im angry, dammit i just want to be happy and healthy and not overweight!! i didnt even think i was im only one sixty ish but apparently its got more to do with my height, bone structure, and the rate at which i gain it dammit i cant even eat more that noe little bite size milky way anymore. i guess it might be for a good thing tho because i am a stress eater and right now id probably be pigging if i could. oh well. gotta live with it whether i like it or not.

Inside My Head

2006-09-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

9/7/06
So here we are. My first blog. Well, youre here, reading my journals. Thats fine. Thats why i did this. I need a way to vent and keep track of my moods because i am bipolar. I have Bipolar Disorder type I. You get to see what it is like to be this way.
Its not fun. Some people think that i am crazy, others that i am just a "drama queen." let me tell you, its no matter of sanity, and i definately am not a drama queen. This is a real disease that i will have forever. It cant be cured. And because of the dangers of it, i have to be medicated for the rest of my life. Not fun. I am currently on Seroquel, an anti-psychotic, to keep the mania away, and also Haldol, for the same reason, and Lexapro to keep me from killing myself. If you want more info, go to www.nimh.nih.gov. look up Bipolar Disorder and you'll find all the info you need, and feel free to ask me any questions either here or at oglalaGirl3196@yahoo.com Now its time for me to show you my mind. Welcome to my world.